Stay Sweet!

I’ve done the work, I continue todo the work, I have a great therapist. This post is about my moments of clarity. If you are reading this and connecting with me, I am with you. If you are wondering what’s wrong with me, you and I are in different places, and that’s ok.

There are moments, that we have as a loved ones of an addict, that linger and haunt. Full disclosure, there are so many I’ve lost track. The particular one that stands out for me, the one where the downward spiral ended, was when I realized I was working harder for his sobriety than he was. That my ability to read a situation and problem solve was not an attribute rather an achilles heal. To say those things out loud, to acknowledge I could not veer him from his path, it was devastating. Like flipping a switch I no longer felt responsible for him, his actions, his excuses. A wieght lifted… “I’m only going to be in charge of myself and my kiddo” has become my new mantra. If all that wasn’t  hard enough to swallow I had an “ah ha” moment that kicked me where it hurts. I’m part of the problem not the solution.

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Every 4 weeks I visit a waxing salon to get my face, armpits, and downstairs cleaned up. Every 4 weeks I struggle with the embarressment and disgust I feel over my large C-section scar/ akward abominal scar/ strange bellybutton scar from the many surgeries I needed to put my insides back to good after having my daughter.

I see a great gal, she laughs with me instead of giving me that “no stop it, your beautiful” speech. It’s truly refreshing to have someone agree your front side doesn’t exactly look like the norm. Today, in her adoring smile, she said “you look amazing with your clothes on.” I nearly peed myself laughing. She knew just what to say to lighten my awkwardness and make feel comfortable.

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I can put together a pretty kickass pity party, I can really steep in it sometimes. I find myself quickly trying to turn that pity into a positive, cause who the hell doesn’t have struggles these days. I’ve met a huge amount of people in my line of work,  each one has a life struggle, major or not it impacts them in some way or another. What I’ve taken from these amazing poeple and thier life stories is that “Happily Ever Afters” are messy.

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With the passing of my sweet boy Brody in Jan I was left with an indescribable void. The love of a dog is like no other, my  husband and I did not take the decision to bring a new dog into our home lightly. For the sake of a reality check I will share that the CON list far out weighed the PRO list when it came down to adding a new dog to the mix. So when our gentle giant arrived in March it is needles to say the CON list was kicking us in the ass. With much guilt and determination I started my search for a dog trainer. Side note~ There are a lot of screwed up folks out there passing themselves off as dog trainers. Some of the Jerks I ran into think it’s best to humiliate the human and call that good for the dog. This is so not how it works. Stressed out and nervous we employed a great group of people who are as lovely to us dog owners as they are to the dogs. Read More »

Side Note: I often reflect on a terrible time in life (mine or others) by wrapping it in positives. I think it’s in part how I process it all.

This time it was hard to make my positivity sandwich. It started more than a year ago. My misdiagnosed tendonitis would bring me to my knees. Turns out I broke my collarbone at the shoulder joint. By the time I had gotten myself to an orthopedic surgeon I was missing an inch of it. I know what your thinking… If I hadn’t seen the x-ray myself I would think I’m crazy too. Read More »

I’m 38 (so close to 40). 5’2″(with my shoes on). I wear a size 10 pant (31 in a fancy brand). My shoes are a 6.5 (small feet make for poor balance, but a great selection at the store). I’m 148 lbs (on any given day could be 154 lbs, I get super bloated). I know it shouldn’t, but some of these numbers bother the hell out of me.

The 38 thing really doesn’t, it’s only when doctors start talking about the new an exciting things that have to be done because I’m aging, then I’m bothered. Read More »

Today the memory of a painful moment in my life came rushing in. I have to admit I was a bit taken a back…

I’ll never forget, I was carrying the clean laundry, I had just set foot on the first step to head up stairs. He was yelling, we were always yelling at each other, I stepped back and put the laundry basket on the floor, sat on the first step and laid my head in my hands. I had been so unhappy for so long there wasn’t any fight left, I stared at the hard wood floors wondering how we got to this point, wondering when I lost myself, hopping he’d stop yelling. I chuckled to myself, as if I had just seen a funny Saturday night live skit, then the weight of realty hit my chest, my heart was pounding, I got flush, couldn’t breath. I looked up to see my running sneakers next to the front door, I put them on, I dragged my panicked butt out the front door and I started running. One block, two blocks, three blocks with every pounding step the realization of my situation and the action I needed to take became clearer. Ten blocks, eleven blocks, I don’t want to live like this. Nineteen and twenty blocks, I’m not a yeller, how did I get like this!!!! What’s wrong with me? Can I be saved? Wait, I don’t want to be saved… Get me off this crazy train! Read More »

Quitter!

It’s all to often when we change direction in life and exit the “something” we are trying, someone calls us out on it, Quitter! We seem to scramble to make excuses why we are not quitters and in fact we had good reason to move on from our endeavor.

Here are a few of my recent Quits or were they? Read More »

It all starts with a thought, an idea that will propel my business forward. Then the next thing I know I’m overwhelmed and begging for it to be over. I believe I have a sickness LOL, not really. These ideas come to mind and if I don’t act on them they keep me up at night. They nag at any remaining space in my thoughts till I just have to find  away to make these ideas happen. Read More »

THANK YOU family! THANK YOU friends! THANK YOU clients! A very special THANK YOU to Brad and Hadley… You all inspire me to dream, to settle for nothing less than happiness. Your willingness to be dragged along on my journey has meant so very much to me.

It would be arrogant to think I’d ever be able to make a go at this life alone. That I’d accomplish and amount to anything with out a close team of family and friends to help me do so. Read More »